If I could turn back time...

Today I looked at some video footage I hadn't looked at in years - I'm horrible, I hadn't video taped anything in about 2 1/2 years, since Taylor was about 16 months! I've missed so much, including Noelle's birth and first 6 months. What I do have though, are the hours before and after Caitlin's birth (no actual birth shots!), and a lot of footage from her first year. It's was so weird to watch it and see my eight-year-old girl as a newborn and see myself as such a young mom. Watching the video was almost painfully nostalgic. I wish I could go back and relive it all and stop myself from making all the mistakes I've made. In some ways, I feel like I was a better mom in those early days than I am now. Seeing those videos...it was such an innocent time. My life was all about Caitlin. There was no boyfriend or husband, no other kids, no school, just Caitlin, my job, my parents, and my friends. I know that it all started to change when her father and I started dating again...I really threw myself into that...I wanted to make it work for her and for me, but it didn't. I put up with so much crap from him. I let him walk all over me and I missed out on so much, and for what? It's funny, because I definitely "wear the pants" in my marriage and find it hard to believe I would have ever let any guy walk all over me. I wish I could go back and call him on all his crap and then walk away instead of always sticking around for him to dump me again.

Well, eventually I did quit taking him back, but I then moved on to the man who would eventually become my husband. Jamey never walked all over me - I had found my voice. However, I feel as though I did jump into the relationship with both feet. We married a little less than two years after we met, but we were ALWAYS together when we were dating. I just wish I had given Caitlin and I a little more "us" time during my single years because we can never get that back. Don't get me wrong, she was still always with me, but I think I perhaps neglected some of her emotional needs in my quest to find us a family.

This is still secondary to what I think my biggest mistake with her was...and still is. I think I've always been too hard on her, from the time she was a toddler. Caitlin did everything early, rolling, crawling, walking. She has also always been very smart and advanced for her age, not to mention big for her age. For these reasons, I think I've perhaps always expected a bit too much of her. I've always expected her to be more mature and understand more than a child of her age should have to. Early childhood is my specialty so I should and do know better, but for some reason, I can't seem to apply this to Caitlin. Now that she has two younger sisters, it seems I expect even more of her. I have a hard time just letting her be little. I lose my patience with her all the time and so does my hubby. I fear that as she gets older, she will really start to resent this treatment, and every day I make a conscious decision that "today will be different," but it never is. It breaks my heart to think back to when she was little and remember how hard I often was on her. I've managed to learn from my mistakes enough that I haven't repeated the pattern with Taylor and as I've watched Taylor grow I've often thought back about things I yelled at Caitlin for when she was the same age and thought, "Wow, she really was so little," and it really makes me want to cry. I know it's too late to change the past and I shouldn't spend too much time dwelling on it, but I know I must make a change for her future, but I don't know how, we're just stuck in this rut. She really is a good girl and I know she just wants to please me so much. I worry about her self-esteem, I worry she will feel she is treated differently than the other girls, especially since my husband is her step-father, I worry about so many things every day, but I honestly don't know what to do. I just can't take it when she throws her fits or says rude things because I think she should be past that stuff by now, but maybe she shouldn't. I try to tell myself to just ignore it if it's not a big deal, but I have a hard time doing it. My biggest fear ever is turning into my mother, and sometimes I feel I could be headed down that road with her. The whole situation is tearing me apart inside.