The Closing of My Heart

Sometimes something happens to you and affects you so deeply, you are never quite the same. When "that something" is a negative experience, the wounds can take a long time to close. Sometimes they never do. Until last night, I had been through two such experiences. There were two times in my life that I was hurt so badly, I will always remember these times as the most difficult, horrible times in my life. The first was my parents' divorce when I was 15/16. After that, I thought that nothing worse than that could ever possibly happen to me. Well, that experience was matched when I became pregnant with my first child and was jerked around for months by my then boyfriend and father of my child before finally being abandoned when I was at my neediest and most vulnerable.

Last night was another changing time in my life. This experience was unique from the other two. It will probably not entail months of hard-core conflict. Or maybe it will; who knows. This experience will likely not change the physical make-up of my life. I will not be physically losing anyone. There is no concrete separation. Life will continue more or less as usual. This loss is purely emotional. It's the kind of loss that happens when someone you trust crushes your soul and rubes salt in your open wounds. It's the kind of pain you feel when you have been completely and utterly rejected by the person you are sharing your life with. It's the way you feel when you look into that person's eyes and see not love, but pure hate. When a new day dawns and the anger is washed from their face and life is supposed to continue on as usual, you realize that not only will your relationship never be the same, but YOU will never be the same.